Invasive Questions

 

If you don’t want to answer personal questions and give out too much info but still want to have fun, try this:

 

Favorite color: 

Glitter

First grade teacher: 

Mrs. Edna Krabapple (Bart Simpson’s teacher)

Name of first pet:

Cerberus (only if this WASN’T the name of your first pet. This is the 3-headed dog that guards the gates to Hell. Hagrid had one that he called “Fluffy”)

Favorite food: 

Gagh – live, of course. (the finest of Klingon cuisine)

First child’s name:

Legion

Favorite restaurant:

The one at the End of the Universe

The state you were born in: 

Disrepair

First car: 

Kiddie

Favorite band: 

Rubber

High School mascot:

Wailin’ Weasels

First job: 

Flunky at Kinko’s (only if you WEREN’T a flunky at Kinko’s)

Favorite toy as a child: 

Little brother

Hobbies:

Mosaic art with hardened wads of chewing gum

Any surgeries?

Had my heart removed and added another liver so I could drink more and care less.

Favorite TV show character:

Geico gecko. Love that accent!

 

 

Interpreting Dreams in 1698

 

What it means when you dream that you:

 

Have your Arm dried up, is very unfortunate. Does it matter if it’s the left arm or the right arm? Would just putting lotion on your arms before you go to bed make a difference?

 

Go over a Ditch upon a small Plank, signifies deceit by Lawyers. Especially if that lawyer has a hold on the end of the plank and is ready to yank it out from under you…

 

See Dragons, signifies Gain. Maybe you can get those dragons to eat the lawyers…

 

Are Drunk, signifies sickness. I have never DREAMED I was drunk. Although I have been a bit tipsy before going to bed. I usually sleep very well at those times.

 

See a Gyant, or a large siz’d Person, is a good sign. Wouldn’t a giant already be considered a large sized person? And just how large are we talking? Height? Weight? Both?

 

Have two Heads, signifies Company. As in company is coming for dinner? A long-lost twin I never knew about? Do the two heads get along?

 

Lose your Keys, signifies Anger. Darn right! I hate it when I can’t find my keys!!

 

Are Kiss’d by Men of great Quality, signifies Consolation. What about Wimmen of great Quality? And who is kissed? Another man? A woman? And what is the ‘consolation’ for? It better not be shenanigans…

 

See the Meat you have Eaten, signifies Loss. This can be downright gross! Is the said eaten meat as it was when first on the plate, or after digesting a bit?? Maybe the loss is of appetite.

 

Are stark Naked, signifies Loss and Damage in your Estate. Especially if you’re a politician and the paparazzi get a picture…

 

Take hold of one’s Nose, signifies Fornication. I’m not going to even GUESS about this one. Wow. Seriously.

 

Eat a Sallad, signifies Evil or Sickness that will happen. I don’t mind a nice crisp salad before tackling a steak and potatoes. That’s not evil at all.

 

Piss against a Wall, signifies Assistance in Business. No clue where they got this one.

 

Jeepers Creepers…

 

…where’d ya get those peepers?

 

Yup, I got new peepers, sort of. My vision had been diminishing for some time and I thought all I needed was a new pair of glasses. Turns out I had severe cataracts and the beginnings of glaucoma. So surgery was discussed. I’ve also always had a very steep prescription and astigmatism. I was told that I could get all three conditions dealt with at the same time for each eye. They would remove the old fuzzy lens, put in a new one that was made with the prescription for my eyes, adjust things for the glaucoma and address the astigmatism. Wow! I would still need prescription glasses for close work and reading, but it would be a minimal prescription. I knew the removal of the lens was routine, but I never knew they could put in a new lens with a prescription on it. So that’s what I had done.

 

This was the procedure for each eye, 1 week apart:

I was given a Valium and had an IV put in my hand for meds that would be administered at the beginning of the actual surgery. The nurse called them “I don’t care” meds. I had to be awake for the entire thing so they could not put me out. I guess when you’re unconscious your eyeball has a tendency to roll back. Makes things kinda hard to get to. I was taken into the first room where the laser would cut up the old lens. Freaky. Clips were inserted to hold my eyelids open. The laser machine was placed AGAINST MY EYEBALL to do its work. The pressure was very uncomfortable but that was it. It was over in no time and I was taken into the operating room. That’s when the nurse said he was starting the “I don’t care” meds. I was aware of the doctor talking to me but not really “there” if you get my meaning. And again, this took very little time to accomplish the three procedures.

 

I had to wear a hard plastic eye patch taped over my eye the rest of that day and for 5 nights when I slept to make darn sure my eye wasn’t bumped or scratched. But I could see pretty well out of the “new” eye. Which was weird since my other eye still needed glasses. I was glad that I had to deal with that for only a week before getting that one done.

 

So for the first time in over 60 years I can wake up in the morning and see clearly. I still have a tendency to reach for my glasses at various times just out of habit. I won’t have my eyes checked for prescription readers for another month or so until everything has healed completely. Meanwhile, I’m using Walmart magnifying specs to get by with.

 

Thank you, Lord, for modern medicine!!