HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

 

 

This was sent to me by a friend who thought it sounded like something I would write. So of course I stole it and added my own remarks…

 

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls. I LOVE carrot sticks! Especially if there’s toasted onion dip. Made from cream cheese, NOT sour cream. And if you start with a veggie, your body will think you’re eating healthy and will not guilt trip you…

 

Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly, it's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas! I do NOT like eggnog…there, I’ve said it. Go ahead and judge me…I can take it.

 

If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 100% YES on this one! And make sure you have a piece of bread or another roll to sop up afterward.

 

As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission. I don’t care. Mashed spuds are fine however you make them. After all, they are just a conveyance for all that gravy. And I can’t drive a stick anyway…

 

Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Yup. Preaching to the choir here.

 

Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. Again, no eggnog, but the rest is true. Spiced cider is the best beverage in that instance.

  

If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again. Yes. And this is ESPECIALLY important if there is rumaki on the table! I CANNOT stress this enough! Guard the rumaki with your life until you’ve had all you wanted. (Is that even possible?)

 

Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? And don’t forget the whipped cream! If the pie slices are on a plate and there is a tub of Cool Whip nearby with a spoon in it, PILE THAT STUFF ON THE PIE!! There is no such thing as too much. And my personal recommendation is go for the pumpkin for all 3 slices. You can buy awesome apple pies at the store whenever you want, but pumpkin is seasonal.

 

Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Now, that’s going too far, buddy! I LOVE a good, moist, booze-soaked fruitcake! Why they are such a rare thing, I don’t know. One thing I’ve never tried is buying a fruitcake in a tin and drenching it in booze and setting it in a closet until it’s time to eat. I just might try that sometime…

 

One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming " WOO HOO what a ride!"

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

 

Couldn’t say that better myself. Whoever wrote the original article did a good job. So Merry Christmas from me to all. And to all a good night.