This
was sent to me by a friend who thought it sounded like something I would write.
So of course I stole it and added my own
remarks…
Avoid
carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing
of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next
door, where they're serving rum balls. I
LOVE carrot sticks! Especially if there’s toasted onion dip. Made from cream
cheese, NOT sour cream. And if you start with a veggie, your body will think
you’re eating healthy and will not guilt trip you…
Drink
as much eggnog as you can. And quickly, it's rare. You cannot find it any other
time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in
every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or
something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
you think. It's Christmas! I do NOT like
eggnog…there, I’ve said it. Go ahead and judge me…I can take it.
If
something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does
not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill
it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat. 100%
YES on this one! And make sure you have a piece of bread or another roll to sop
up afterward.
As
for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.
If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission. I don’t care. Mashed spuds
are fine however you make them. After all, they are just a conveyance for all
that gravy. And I can’t drive a stick anyway…
Do
not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating.
The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people's food for
free. Lots of it. Hello? Yup. Preaching
to the choir here.
Under
no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do
that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long
naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a
10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog. Again, no eggnog, but the rest is true. Spiced cider is the best
beverage in that instance.
If
you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't
budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're
like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to
see them again. Yes. And this is
ESPECIALLY important if there is rumaki on the table! I CANNOT stress this
enough! Guard the rumaki with your life until you’ve had all you wanted. (Is that
even possible?)
Same
for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like
mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you
get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day? And don’t forget the whipped cream! If the pie slices are on a plate
and there is a tub of Cool Whip nearby with a spoon in it, PILE THAT STUFF ON
THE PIE!! There is no such thing as too much. And my personal recommendation is
go for the pumpkin for all 3 slices. You can buy awesome apple pies at the
store whenever you want, but pumpkin is seasonal.
Did
someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory
calories but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Now, that’s going too far, buddy! I LOVE a
good, moist, booze-soaked fruitcake! Why they are such a rare thing, I don’t
know. One thing I’ve never tried is buying a fruitcake in a tin and drenching
it in booze and setting it in a closet until it’s time to eat. I just might try
that sometime…
One
final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from
the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but
hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
"Life
should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in
an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways,
chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming " WOO HOO what a ride!"
MERRY
CHRISTMAS!!!
Couldn’t say that
better myself. Whoever wrote the original article did a good job. So Merry
Christmas from me to all. And to all a good night.
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