All About Pack Elves

 

John Keasler (8/3/21 – 9/5/95) was a columnist for The Miami News. The Chico Enterprise Record carried his articles and I just loved them for the humor. He did a great one on Ronald Reagan that I wish I had kept. I was looking through some of my files and came across the following one about Pack Elves. My dad and I would joke about them. I haven’t been able to find any source for other articles by Keasler. I think the date on this one was 1984.

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Reference Guide on Pack Elves

by John Keasler

 

“When a family moves, do the pack elves in the house move with the family, or do they stay in the empty house and wait for a new family to move in?” inquires William Carter of Winter Haven.

In practically all cases, pack elves move with the family. It takes quite a while for a tribe of pack elves to learn the habits of a family – or even of an individual – and pack elves understandably are reluctant to break in new people.

(Mostly, pack elves move by hiding in dresser drawers.)

I continue to get queries concerning pack elves.

As explained in an earlier column, pack elves are the little people who live in walls of everybody’s hone and take things.

Whenever you can’t find an object – which you knew was right there a minute ago – the pack elves have taken it.

“Why do pack elves take things in the first place?” asks Carlene Wilson of South Miami. “I have never been able to keep a lipstick over three days before it disappears. Are pack elves angry at humans?”

No, on the contrary. Pack elves, while extremely fun-loving, are here to keep the nation’s economy going. More than seven million screwdrivers, six million cigarette lighters and a whopping 31 million single socks were taken by pack elves during the past fiscal year. They are almost solely responsible for retail sales of these and hundreds of other items.

 

Here are some other commonly asked questions concerning pack elves.

Q: Do people ever see pack elves?

A: No. They are extremely swift. We almost see them all the time. Whenever you catch a flash of motion from the corner of you eye, but there is nothing there when you look around, that was a pack elf.

 

Q: What do pack elves eat?

A: Breakfast cereal. That is why the box you thought was half full is empty. They also eat the last of the cookies, And a special treat for pack elves is that last banana.

 

Q: How big are pack elves?

A: Pack elves – the mature males – grow to a height of seven or eight inches, but are extremely strong for their size. Even an adolescent pack elf can make off with a hammer, for instance.

 

Q: Why doesn’t a family dog or cat ever catch a pack elf?

A: Most cats and dogs are in on the gag. Anyhow, cats and dogs like pack elves because they are so short. Furthermore, pets often think pack elves are simply tiny members of the family which, in a way they are. Why would a pet attack a member of the family which he or she has known all his or her life?

 

Q: What is the difference between a leprechaun and a pack elf?

A: Leprechauns drink a lot and sing “My Wild Irish Rose.”

 

Q: After years of hiding things in the walls, doesn’t it get terribly crowded behind those walls? Do pack elves ever have garage sales?

A: No to both parts of the question. When a tribe of pack elves finds their wall hollows crowded, they simply take a lot of things to other homes around the neighborhood and leave them for the humans to puzzle over. Only this week I found a totally mysterious Rubik’s Cube in my refrigerator. Unhappily the last banana was gone.

 

Q: Why don’t we ever hear pack elves in the walls?

A: You are not listening. You must sit alone in a darkened room of your home after midnight and be very quiet. Soon you will hear pack elves everywhere, pitty-patting inside the walls with a lot of muffled giggling. The following morning your sunglasses will be gone off the bookcase.

 

Q: Are pack elves a new phenomenon or have they always existed?

A: Some of the earliest cave drawings by Piltdown Man are of pack elves. In those days they wore little loin cloths. Chaucer referred to pack elves: “Elfin iss icumen in; driven me cuckoo.” The ancient Persians believed you could rid a mosque of pack elves by sacrificing a camel, but the camel knife was always missing. Shakespeare tried to write a play about pack elves forever swiping his goosequill pens but never finished it.

 

Q: I would like to know how pack elves got started in their strange pursuit. Who is the world’s leading authority on pack elves?

A: I am. Earliest references show that pack elves originally had a Robin Hood complex and took from the rich and gave to the poor. The group broke off and turned conservative Republican and believed in taking from the poor and giving to the rich. A compromise was struck, and for eons they have taken from everybody and given to nobody, except of course when clearing out their walls at which point they chortle while pasting pictures of total strangers in your scrapbook. This has all worked out well and sales of replacement items remain brisk.

 

We owe a lot to pack elves.

And believe you me, they’ll get it.

 

If you should catch a glimpse of a pack elf, send the drawing to this column. No prize is offered but you may get your sunglasses back.