Simple Solutions

 AKA – Ginormous Rant!!

There is a very simple solution to all the strife about statues, names on buildings, etc. GET RID OF THEM ALL AND START OVER!

Remove all statues that depict a human. Remove all human names from buildings, streets, cities. I’m sure the time will come when state names will come under fire. Change everything. Get rid of all flags.

For every statue of a human, replace it with something no one could object to. Although I know some of my suggestions will be shot down as well. I’m thinking of a nice cat statue like the ones here. The reading cat could be in front of a library.

The one on the tree stump would look nice in a park setting.

And who doesn’t love axolotls??? How could you object to those adorable critters? I’d love to have my picture taken beside a large statue of an axolotl.

As well as a dragon or a giraffe. There are a lot of cool animals that would make a nice statue somewhere.

And inanimate objects!! So many to choose from! A nice snowflake would be good for any place where skiing is involved. A weather vane is an easy one to do in almost any setting. And if it’s movable in the wind, so much the better.

And the big chair! Think of the tourist opportunities of having your picture taken sitting in a giant chair! It needn’t have anything to do with the area the statue is in, just as a random statue taking the place of the one that was removed. And abstract sculpture is a wonderful idea. Although something open to interpretation could become an inflammatory issue. Better stick to a specific object. Like a button or maybe a pie.

So, statues are an easy fix. As for Mt. Rushmore, obviously the name has to be changed, which I will address in a minute. For the actual sculpture itself, unless you blow the whole thing up with dynamite, the only other way to deal with it would be to cover it with a canvas and paint a nice nature scene on it. Other sculptures could be dealt with in that way as well.

About names. Again, change them ALL. Replace with numbers or random objects. Very easy, although it would take some getting used to. Streets, towns, building, etc. that already have an acceptable name like Maple Street, the town of Placerville, MOMA, are OK and don’t need to be changed. All other names would be changed. Either a name from nature (leaf, tree, river) or the animal kingdom (turtle, lizard, ladybug) or an inanimate object (shoelace, cotton swab, zipper). Mt. Rushmore would be “Mountain with big canvas painting.” State names would be replaced by numbers. Whatever order they became states would be the name. California would be #31. Hawaii would be #50. For airports, that’s pretty easy too. Number them. You’d have Burp City Airport. If there were more than one airport in the city of Burp, they would be Burp City Airport #1, Burp City Airport #2. If there was another town called Burp in another state, then you’d use the state number. Example: Burp City #31 Airport #1.

OMG!!! Lizard National Park! I love to go camping there! Right in the heart of Toenail County!

Our country’s name would have to be changed too. Maybe take some Scrabble letters, thrown them on the table and see what kind of name you come up with. We could be the country of Qxy (pronounced “quixy”) or perhaps Jamlon. It doesn’t need to make sense, it just has to be acceptable.

SO….there you have it. When you fill out a form for anything, it could look like this:

Name: Dot Binder

Address: 123 S. Turtle Drive

City: Crash Test

State: #31

Occupation: Librarian at Plankton Library, 54 Mask Street, Purple, #31 (Purple is the city next to Crash Test. Crash Test isn’t large enough for its own library. It’s across the street from Gerbil Park next to the Toothbrush Memorial.)

That wasn’t so hard, now, was it?

PS. For flags, you’re on your own. I can’t do ALL the thinking for you!! As for the national anthem, sing “Happy Birthday” before each game…I don’t care anymore…

PPS. I would REALLY love to have cat statues…