New Year’s Visit From The Muffin!

 

It’s been quite a while since The Muffin Man dropped by for a visit, but popped in to greet 2024 with me…

 

What brings you joy 

My lawyer suggests that I should not answer this question.

 

What kind of noises bother you 

Children screaming in restaurants, children screaming in general, children overall.

 

How do you feel today 

I feel the sensation of a bubbly explosion in the center of my gastral intestines, ready to erupt at any moment. My stomach twists and turns as if a whirling tornado thrashs against the walls of my organs within. I beg for any sort of release, pleading to God for healing and comfort. Luckily, there’s Pepto-Bismol. For quick stomach relief, try Pepto-Bismol today! Call 1-800-555-2534 for a free consolation. Yes, I said consolation. Don’t consult us on anything. We’re not qualified. Side effects may include nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, gonorrhea, hair loss, loss of fingers, depression, suicide ideation, anxiety, divorce, death, and hallucinations.     

 

What was your first love (doesn’t have to be about a person) 

When I first saw the ratatouille dish featured in the animated Disney film “Ratatouille,” I was astounded. I could feel the drool dripping from my open mouth as I watched Remy the rat throw perfectly diced slices of what I thought to be peperoni into a pan. I watched the rich sauce drizzle down the sides of the cooked ratatouille in awe. However, when I learned that ratatouille was a dish entirely made of sliced vegetables, I lost my first love. The wondrous sense of mystery that drew me to the dish was destroyed by the crushing reality of what truly made up the ingredients. We broke up.

 

What was it like the first time you were on a plane 

Frankly, it was insanely awkward due to the amount of people bustling all around me. 2/10 – would not recommend.

 

If you had an imaginary friend, what would he/she be like 

I need an imaginary Gordon Ramsey to shout at me in a British accent when I’m not being productive.

 

If you could travel anywhere at this moment, where would you go 

If I could travel anywhere, assuming that I could teleport, I would mysteriously appear in a locked glass case inside a museum simply for giggles since no one would have an explanation for my sudden appearance. I would claim that I had been trapped there for eons and I would enjoy the complimentary grippy-socks that the mental ward would provide after I am sent there.