Many years ago this story
made its way through email. I thought it was hilarious and saved it in a file.
It would make the rounds every few years or so in the email system, and then I
forgot about it. This year I thought about looking for it and posting it on
Facebook for Christmas. I have no idea the origin or authorship of this story,
but I feel it should be told…enjoy!
----------------
As a joke, my brother Jay
used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking
the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's
kids' stockings were overflowing, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make
his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable
love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult
bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll
only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like:
“What does this do?”
“You're kidding me!”
“Who would buy that?!?”
Finally, I made it to the
inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that
could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool
lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in
many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box,
could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for
"Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call
Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the
help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on
the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come
and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.
I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby
tray. I went home and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my
brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that
had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to
walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should
remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they
came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed
Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?"
she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with
something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind,
but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey
sure smells nice, Gran!” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I
could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to
ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a
delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who's
the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay's friend. In a few
minutes I noticed Grandpa had sidled up to the fireplace and was talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this
might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We
made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in
the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around
the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I
passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell
to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother
fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin,
stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas
to treasure and remember.
Later, in my brother's
garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back
of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in many family
celebrations after that first Christmas.
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