Where Is My Mind? (I just had it a minute ago…)

 

There is a Pixies song, “Where Is My Mind?” Cool song. Go find it on Youtube. The main phrase that is repeated is:

 

“Your head will collapse, but there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself, where is my mind?”

 

SO many times in my youth, and even somewhat into adulthood, I feared what was IN my mind, not just WHERE it was. It was usually right there with me, but filled with all manner of tangled darkness and chaos. I could never escape it. And I was aware of this darkness from a very early age, like 3 or 4. I was aware of my own mentality, and it frightened me because I had no understanding of why I felt the way I did. I just knew something was wrong and that it was probably me that was wrong. It was my mind and thoughts that were wrong, although I didn’t have the words for what it was or how to express it.

 

I’d see other children at play and they seemed perfectly happy with life. They enjoyed themselves. I’d wonder what that would feel like. How to ignore what was going on in my mind and just live in the moment and enjoy life. Why couldn’t I be like that? I always thought of these other children as being ‘normal’ and I was not. And I didn’t have the words at my disposal to deal with it.

 

I have shared some of this with Sarah, since this is in her realm of knowledge. I recently read an article about CPTSD, with the “C” standing for Complex. It made so much sense for what I had felt as a child. When I mentioned it to Sarah, she said “Of course you had CPTSD. I knew that already.”

 

And of course there are plenty of episodes that I can remember as happy ones. I just tend to hang on to the negative ones. And I know that is something I have to work on constantly. I have a lot of support from family and friends, and most importantly, from my faith in Jesus Christ. I can’t imagine going through some of this stuff we call life without that support.

 

Now, back to where my mind went…it does tend to wander off at times…but as long as I don’t put the car keys in the freezer or cat food in my bowl instead of Cheerios I think I doing OK.

 

Random Thought:

I’m not in denial, I’m just very selective about the reality I accept – Calvin and Hobbes