It’s
getting to be that time of year when you might want to end your day with a nice
soothing cup of tea. Add a little lemon, sugar, cream, whiskey…whatever…
Here’s
a few guidelines to follow…
1--Bargain
with the local witch for her best copper kettle.
2--Be
vigilant.
3--Take
her second offer. There will NOT be a third.
4--Take
the long road home, because there is no other road to take.
5--Pray
you make it back safely.
6--Cross
your threshold.
7--Cross
your heart, hope to die. It is the humane alternative.
8--Shoo
the goblin from the kitchen.
9--Open
the taps.
10--Wait
for the water to run clear. Try not to think about blood and sin.
11--Fill
the kettle.
12--Ponder
the meaning of ‘full’.
13--Close
the taps. Offer thanks.
14--Ponder
the meaning of ‘sacrifice’.
15--Light
the stove.
16--Be
prepared to sweet-talk the flames into existence. Fire is a fickle thing.
17--Set
the kettle on the hob.
18--Boil
the water until it screams. It will feel cruel. That’s because it is.
19--Unearth
the bronze chalice buried in your garden among tangles of hellebore and rue.
20--Lose
yourself on the way back.
21--Find
yourself in the light.
22--Choose
your tea. Chamomile for calm. Green tea for clarity. Deadly nightshade to purge
yourself of your wrongs.
23--Steep
for five minutes.
24--Flavor
your brew. Honey and lemon for sweetness. Ginger and mint to soothe. Arsenic
for revenge.
25--Sip
your tea quietly. Keep your eyes closed. It is rude to peek.
26--Allow
them to enter, to pervade, to absorb.
27--Allow
them to guide you, but be wary.
28--They live in you now.
29--Treat
yourself to a piece of cake with your tea. You deserve it.
30--You deserve this.
More guides
*How
to feel again
*Nine
things about being brought back from the dead
Disclaimer:
This
guide is primarily for those of the British ilk. For Americans, just fill your
mug with water. Stick a tea bag in it and microwave for 2 minutes.